He Ghosted you... Now What?
You’ve been on a date with a great guy. You both talked about doing something again. “Let’s do something next week,” he says. Next week rolls around and you have to press him for the day and time that you guys are going to do something. He responds with “Maybe Thursday evening.” Thursday rolls around and there is no further communication from him, no date set and he doesn’t bother to contact you anymore. I have been in situations like this many times. It's super annoying. Why would he offer to go on another date with you if he wasn’t going to follow through with it?
In today’s blog, I am going to cover three topics related to this situation. First, Why does ghosting happen? Second, what do you do now that a ghosting situation has happened to you? And third, what to do, feel, train for, so this doesn’t happen to you again.
Why Ghosting happens
The reason someone ghosting bothers you is that you care. You wanted to go out with the guy again. You got the feeling and the hope that this guy would be the one to make your life better. And there is nothing wrong with that. You should care about the guy that you want to be with. The problem is in letting his lack of response bother you. And feel like your life will not be amazinf unless he is in it. He does not have the right to be in control of how you feel about yourself because of his lack of consideration.
When my clients tell me their stories of the guy ghosting them, they almost immediately follow up with, “I guess I’m not pretty enough for him,” or “He can get any girl he wants, he doesn’t want to be with me,” or “I guess he’s pretty busy he has more important things to do right now than worry about a date with me.”
Each of these comments tells me one major thing about my lady. She doesn’t feel like she is good enough and for some reason, this guy is better than she is. After some of those statements she immediately will follow up with what she knows she is supposed to say, “Well, I guess he wasn’t the one for me, time to move on a find someone better.” I agree with her, that it is time to move on from the situation. It happened in the past and she can’t do anything about it now. However, just moving on doesn’t solve the problem of what happened, the fact that he ghosted her.
Why did he ghost?
At some point during the first date or soon after when plans for the second date where being made, the girl decided that the guy was more important than her and he felt it. He then decided that she was no longer important to him. And he felt she was no longer important because SHE felt that she was not AS important. Guys only reflect to us what we are already feeling about ourselves. Ghosting is a sign that you do not deem yourself as important as the other person.
This doesn’t mean you don’t think you are important at all. But there are different levels, with certain people you feel very important to and of course they would respond to you no matter what. (This is how I feel whenever I send out a text to one of my clients asking them a question. I would be shocked to get ghosted by them.) But there are other people who you do not feel as sure about yourself around, aka a hot new guy. Instead of feeling completely confident that he will ask you out again and not worrying about it. You have thoughts in your head like “What if he’s not that into me?” “It’s been two minutes since I sent my last text and he hasn’t responded to me, what if he found another girl?” “Maybe he doesn’t want to go out with me again? Did I do something wrong on our date?” “Should I have waited to text him 5 min later? Did I say the right thing?” Any time you start having any of these thoughts run through your head, you are thinking the guy is more important than you and you run the risk of getting ghosted.
Ok, so he ghosted you… Now What?
First, take a deep breath and let it go. Allow yourself to feel all the feelings that come up, don’t judge good ones or bad ones, just feel all the feelings. You will probably feel sadness and disappointment, there will probably be some anger and hurt pride as well, jealousy and confusion are common ones too. Feel these feelings until you are a little bored of them. (When you really feel the feelings it takes about 90 sec to 5 min to completely feel the feelings, so give yourself at least that amount of unrestrained time to feel those feelings. And when I say unrestrained time, I mean time where you are not trying to cover up those feelings and dismiss them as feelings you shouldn’t have, like by trying to make yourself happy.)
Once you have felt those feelings, I want you to speak this affirmation:
“No Guy is more important than me, and no Man gets to determine whether or not I am happy and having a good time!!! I am the life of the party and people want to be around me.”
Even if you don’t quite believe this affirmation saying it will help you feel more empowered and feel better about yourself!!!
A couple of things to watch out for when you say this affirmation:
The trap of thinking: “If that was true, then that guy would want to be with me and he wouldn’t have ghosted me!!!! Boo Hoo!!!! I guess it’s not true!!!” and you go back to square one
This affirmation is for things going forward, you already had the ghosting happen to you, which was because of the lack of importance you felt about yourself. This affirmation is to help solidify yourself going forward so that it won’t happen again.
Adding onto the affirmation, “I’ll show him!!! See Dude, I am the most incredible girl and you are missing out!!!”
This is some leftover anger at the guy and allowing him to still control how you feel. Again, what happened with the guy is in the past, and the way to control your future is to let go of the past and not let it have a hold on you in the present. The present is where everything is created, nothing from the past matters in the present, yet if you allow it, you can taint the future going forward.
Your body feels numb saying this affirmation and it doesn’t make you feel better but instead makes you feel anxious and like there is something wrong with you.
That’s ok Lady!!! Try rewording the affirmation to something that makes you feel good. For me when I have a hard time getting behind an affirmation I like to say the words “I’m willing to believe that….” in front of the affirmation. That tends to take the pressure off me having to believe it and own it all right now when I’m in a tender space.
Once you have spoken the affirmation and you are feeling a little bit better, I want you to look for something you can do to feel like that affirmation is true for you.
Some questions to ask yourself to help you out with this are:
If I had never met that guy, What would I want to do tonight?
What sounds fun to me right now?
What is something I have always wanted to try but have been too shy or nervous to do?
What can I do right now to show myself that I am the most amazing woman on this planet and I treat myself really well?
Once you have your list and you have some good ideas on what you would like to do, go do something on that list!!!! (be careful to not short cut yourself, example “I would really like to eat out at that restaurant, but it’s too pricey so I’ll go eat somewhere cheaper instead” NO!!!! Only do the things that you truly want and desire!!! If eating somewhere you want is out of your budget, what is something else you can do that you truly desire to do? There is always something. You have to watch how you treat yourself, do not allow yourself to give you less than what you truly desire!!!)
Know that you may have random times when you feel bad about the guy and feel a little insecure and sad. That’s perfectly normal and really you should anticipate that happening a bit. Just go through the steps we just did and you will be fine. The more slack you can give yourself and the more love you can give yourself the faster you will be able to heal from it and be able to move on!!!
*Very import note: When someone has ghosted you, it’s because you are not loving and valuing yourself enough. So to force yourself to get over it quicker, or shame yourself for still thinking about the guy, is not showing yourself love!!! And you will have to go through another situation like that until you learn to love yourself and be ok with you exactly how you are now. Being ok with yourself being sad, being ok and loving yourself when you are angry. All of these emotions and feelings are a part of you and are not to be dismissed.
What to do so Ghosting doesn’t happen to you again?
I have a digital course that I made specifically for Ghosting that goes over the basics on how not to get ghosted. For more information on that program go here: https://www.lizglorioso.com/ghostbusters-for-ghosting-sales
Today I want to give you some more advanced energetic cues that will help you prevent Ghosting from happening.
First is when you are about to go on your date, go into it with the attitude of: “I am the most amazing person on this planet and people are lucky to be around me” Always with a feeling of love towards yourself and towards the other person.
When you are on a date and you start to feel like you like the guy, think: “Wow, what an amazing guy, I’m so glad that I got to meet him, and look how happy he is being with me, everyone who comes into my life has a grand ole time!!!”
After the date when there is that space where you don’t know whether or not he’s going to ask you out again think “I had a great time on the date with ______, and if he asks me out again that would be awesome, he’ll get to come join my party again.” And then you forget about it, you don’t follow up with him about next week or confirm times for Thursday. You are the one with the exclusive amazing party and if he doesn’t make the effort to join, you are still going to go about having the amazing party of your life.
A big action key in allowing the guy to pursue you is to not follow up with him when he makes a vague suggestion. “Let’s get together next week sometime.” Really? You want me to put my whole week on hold for you? Ha Ha Ha!!! I think not!!! But what we try to do, is push the guy to confirm a specific date and time, cause we don’t want to put our whole week on hold. Then we look like we are the ones pursuing him and he doesn’t feel like we are that important then.
So when a vague suggestion is given to you, an answer like this would be great and show that you are interested and high value. “I feel like it would be so much fun to go out with you again, Next week? Maybe, let me know when you have something more specific in mind.” Now the ball is in his court and you are letting him know you are not waiting around on him until he makes a move. This also lets him know that you have a lot of fun options, and he is one of them. This for you now becomes your testing ground for him. If he makes the effort and gives you a specific date, then he is good enough to come to your party, if he doesn’t contact you again, then, he’s not a good fit for your party.
When you throw a real party, not everyone you invite will come, and you can’t get hung up about it. You’re also not going to chase everyone down who didn’t come to your party and try to find out why they didn’t come. You let it go. When you tell him that you feel like it would be fun to go out with him again, that is the acceptance of his inquiry to come to your party. If he chooses not to come to your party even though he got the invitation, that's ok!!!
What I want to convey to you, is you need to feel like you are more important to yourself than the guy is to you. Your time is more valuable to YOU. Your energy is more important to You. Your schedule is more important to YOU. He may come second, but you are always number 1. And this is not being selfish. This is how you show yourself that you love yourself. This is how you fill up your own cup. This is how you have extra love to give to someone else, without the feeling of neediness or expectation tagged along with it. That is how you encourage a man to give to you. This is how you have an interdependent relationship instead of a co-dependent relationship.
Being Ghosted isn’t fun. If it is something you are dealing with regularly, go check out my program Ghost Busters for Ghosting, and get your energy in the place where men you like no longer ghost you. It’s totally possible, you just need to change to the belief and expectations that something like that could happen to you. Once you change the belief that another guy is better than you, you don’t notice if he doesn’t contact you again or it doesn’t bother you. You know that you are amazing, you are super cool, you are gorgeous and so much fun to be around. You enjoy yourself and you expect anyone else who comes around you to enjoy themselves as well!!! Your party is the best and you don’t need to convince anyone to come to your party!!!
Watch the Video below for some amazing explanations on the energy you have to have about you in order to not get ghosted anymore!!!
Have a fabulous week!!!
Lots of Love,